


Veins Full Of Despair

by GayNoctis



Category: Bandom, Panic! at the Disco
Genre: AU where panic! at the disco doesn't exist, Alternate Universe, Day At The Beach, Light Angst, M/M, Panic At The Disco (Band), Romantic Fluff, Strangers to Lovers, Weird Plot Shit
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-19
Updated: 2016-04-19
Packaged: 2018-06-02 22:28:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,317
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6585094
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GayNoctis/pseuds/GayNoctis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The seas glisten, my skin is warm because of your grasp. The warmth of this summer makes me much more poetic than I am. They say it's love, I'm  hoping for the best and yet I'm aware of my flaws and the fear that surrounds me. Second guessing is in his heart, apathetic remarks is in mine.</p><p> </p><p>{It's set in 2008, Ryan doesn't know Brendon nor Jon, only knows Spencer. AU Where Panic! doesn't exist.}</p>
            </blockquote>





	Veins Full Of Despair

**Author's Note:**

> Don't trust my summary, this is going to be fucking long and I just like being vague like the asshole I am

* * *

**Prologue:** _Sympathetic Wishes_

 

She's dead.

Keltie. I'm sorry for the shit I did, I made the mistake of fucking around. Pathetic sorry's won't do you any good, since you're already gone. I wish we hadn't left on a bad end, but we just did. We just were another toxic couple that had bad communication. That's all we were, weren't we?

I pity your death, everything we did. It's all gone, so I'm stuck here to rot with your death. Was this meant for me? Or was it just an accident as they say? God knows what. I don't really care anymore, death is death and it's a part of life. Everyone knows what you were, cheerful smiles, brown thin hair, those livid eyes of yours shook my insides. But now it just gives me nightmares and stomachaches that corrupt me until I say my goodbyes to you.

I'm sorry, but it's time for me to go.

I watch the rain pour down all of the people surrounding me, her pale, lifeless body lays in the casket. I felt nothing. My lips were pursed, tightly shut, I can't grasp this feeling I'm getting. I shrug it off, it's not like I'm that cruel to not cry for her. Yet I knew I wouldn't cry for her, because I didn't love her. And she knew I didn't, we just lied to the truth so we could laugh in the small moments we had.

They talk about how she was, everything she loved and did. I got glares from certain people, I deserve it. I got the chance to make her happy, it wasn't enough for me though. She would chase me on the beach, I'd still be to far to even hold her. My distance with everyone is beautifully tragic, that's why I knew we would end. But not at the cost of her death, she did that on her own stupidity. But then again, the one who killed her in the end was me. Tragic, I know.

But life goes on, this is why we are here. 

I'm aware of their glares, the silence is almost unbearable. The smell of the rain, fresh and clear soothes me from their stares. It's time to go, sorry Keltie. I've had enough of this bitter end for everyone that ever meets me, except for Spencer but even then I'll manage to fuck it up with him too.

Everyone's bidding each other goodbye's, kissing cheeks, small whispers; heartfelt tears and anything that's emotion. Whereas I stand alone, looking at my once lover's warm body, now just a corpse waiting to rot. 

"Goodbye, Kel. It was fun while it lasted."

I whispered underneath my breath as I finally say my goodbyes to her, this wouldn't have happened if we hadn't met, if only we had. I keep my emotions in check, the only thing that seems to come off of my face is the same blank facial expression that I've always had. 

I can't look away from her pale body, she used to be so beautiful, now she's just a mere memory that I'll either forget or hold onto. I already know I'm going to forget her, that is the sad truth but we already knew what was going to happen when we got into the relationship. We knew what we were getting into, she took the risk of giving me everything, whereas I could only give her a fraction of what I wanted to give her. 

I gave you what I could only give you, it still wasn't enough for my selfish desire for love. I knew why we never could work our arguments, why I never let my feelings out. 

I'm sorry. I need to move on, without you dragging me down just as you did when you were living. No one can save me, that's okay, not everyone is meant to be saved. That's what you said to me before you got yourself involved with me. 

And look at what happened, you're dead. Dead because you were "in love", you barely knew half the shit I told you, Kel. 

See you on the otherside.

I finally manage to walk away from her casket, the rain slowly begins to fade, everyone is now chattering louder than before. The silence is gone, the world is back to what it was. Simple gazes are given to me, I glarr right back at them. They can glare all they want but that won't change a damn thing, knowing that their little girl ia dead. 

I'll take the blame, I've done bad shit and I don't care if they hate me for this. 

I walk quicker, something tells me one of them is going to confront me, tell me the same bullshit about 'oh she was wondeful, how could you do that!'. If she was so wondeful, why'd she die knowing I couldn't give her what she wanted?

They idealize the situation of what had happened, confuse sympathy for bullshit. 

My steps seem to be loud and quick, the wet grass makes the sound of a swish, I can feel the cold breeze. Death has a way of changing the air. 

Another swish, this time it comes from behind me, not from my own steps. 

"Ryan."

His voice is harsh, quick. He knows what he's doing, that sly bastard. 

He manages to grab my shoulder, hard and strong, he's not going to let go until I speak. 

"Ryan, you can't run from every god damn problem. Did you think I wouldn't see you? Honestly we've known each other since we were kids, I can read you better than most people. And you know that."

Fuck. 

I avoid eye contact with him, I never liked seeing him upset at me, he was always the happier one not the other way around. But I guess I manage to fuck it up, again. 

Spencer sighs, he knew I was going to give him a hard time, so why does he have to sound so tired?

"I just wish you could have at least talked to her parents, at fucking least but no you don't fucking care. You really can't run from everything, Ry. I'm just tired of seeing you do this same shit with everyone, I'm the only person who can actually reach you. Everyone is far behind except me, you know that."

I grit my teeth, I really do hate it when he's right. At least I can be honest about that, most of the time I just feed the world lies. 

I look up at him, his soft, electric blue eyes seem off but I can't put my finger onto it. He smiles weakly at me, I try to smile back but it comes out rather weaker and barely lifts off from my lips.

I swallow hard, everything is always hard when Spencer tells the truth and I have to lie to it. He has always been the one at my side even when I'd just run off, he would come after me.

"I don't know, Spence. I never loved her, it was a just a fling and I knew that. We both knew it. I'm not running, it's just what else can I do? She was the only thing I really did shit with, now that she's gone I need to go. I appreciate the fact that you came but you should know by now I don't like complicating things and especially with her family."

He nods his head slowly, he lets his hand go from my shoulder to his pockets. He gazes at the ground before he looks back at me. 

"You know that's always the answer with you. Avoid the people who'll give more shits than you, you can't handle it can you? The way they can just show it without being careful of who sees it. Ryan, just try to resolve issues with anyone you hurt, instead of running from it. There's always going to be complicated issues, you can't avoid it no matter how hard you try. If you ever find someone, don't leave them without fixing the issue, that's going to fuck someone up and you can't keep doing that. Not everyone is like me, not everyone can chase you down, if someone out there is. You better not fuck that up and hold onto them like I'm doing with you. Just try to do that for me, Ryan."

He lets out a breathe, he eyes me warily, knowing me like the back of his hand.

He always makes me softer than I want to be, he makes me vunerable just as I was back when we were kids. Back when I didn't have to deal with a abusive father, everything was simpler and now I'm fucked up because of him. 

Without Spencer I'd probably be dead, you know I'm glad he gives a damn about me. Even if he gives me speeches about my fucked up habits. At least he cares, unlike my own family, that's something to be grateful for.

This time I grin, he grins back.

"I'll try, Spencer. I will really try, I just..you know have the bad memories with my dad you know. He did this to me, now I have to fix myself up. I hate the things I do, I don't enjoy it, I'm not that fucked up. I just simply can't be what everyone wants me to be, it's difficult to find someone who'll appreciate me for my flaws and bad habits. Anyways I get what you mean, Spence. I get it, I need to work it out, not avoid it. I'm glad we can talk about it, since you're going back to Vegas aren't you?"

I nervously pull my jacket, I hate it when I have to say those words, knowing he won't be here with me and talking like we used to.

His grin fades, he smiles weakly. 

"Yeah...I need to leave in a couple days, I mean we can still talk like this, just not face to face. Shitty, I know. But hey at least we talked, right? Even though you were trying to run, I caught your ass."

He laughed at me, he laughed at his own damn joke.

I laughed for the first time since Keltie's death, I felt alive when Spencer laughed, he's all I have and no one can reach the level of friendship that we have. That would be a fucking miracle if someone did. 

We both laughed, finally the air felt warmer and everything seemed less confusing now.

"It's nice isn't it? To just laugh, it's really nice, Spence. It's something I wish I could do more often but not everyone is like you Spence."

"Yeah, not everyone is as funny as me. No one can play the drums as well as me nor beat me in monoply."

"Oh fuck you, you know I won that round and you cheated with the money!"

We both laugh again.

"Yeah, I admit it I cheated a bit. But I still won!"

"I totally knew it."

"We should probably get going, everyone's giving you the evil eye."

Spencer grabs me and pushes me till we're at the parking lot. 

I laugh at him, I laugh at us. Every time he does the weirdest shit, I feel just as a weird as him.

He looks at me with raised brows.

"What's so funny? Is it my face or is it the fact that life is finally a joke to you."

I grin at him, "It's just that you always do the weirdest shit, even at a funeral. You didn't need to push me all the way here, now we both look like fucking morons."

"Of course I do, I like making it special, you know laughter is always the best medicine. Even for losers like us. Now where is your car?"

I snort a bit, "Up your ass, Smith."

He glares at me before he bursts into laughter. 

"You know what fuck you, we all know it's probably by that shitty Chevrolet."

"Yeah that's it. I don't even have to know why you knew that, you're a fuckin' psychic when you're with me."

"I know, now go get in your car and meet me at Starbucks alright?"

I chuckle a bit, Spencer always brings the humor out of me. Even if I'm the most fucked up kid, he makes me feel okay, no, he makes me feel real.

I raise my hands above my head, shaking them as I slowly walk towards the shitty old Chevrolet. 

"Fine, I'll go! But I gotta change or else people will think we're going to a fucking wedding or some shit."

He waves back at me before he shouts back.

"Okay, just don't take a long time dressing yourself, we all know you have to look good, I will personally kick your ass if you take more than ten minutes to dress your ass."

The god damn kid knew me, can't blame him for knowing that since we used to hang out 24/7. And I used to take thirty minutes to find a outfit, how he dealt with me back then is something that I'll never know.

 "Yeah! I won't keep you waiting, you fucking loser!"

He was already out of my vision, I was already in my car.

I started the engine, everything seems better than I thought it was going to be.

I'll be alright again, I don't need to make myself feel sorry for someone I couldn't care for anymore. 

I drove out of the half empty lot, slowly driving towards the exit. 

I get a text from Spencer.

**Spence**

Ryan, I gave you what I like to call my sympathetic wishes :D

"Sympathetic wishes my ass, Spencer."

God, I can't believe that loser would call it that. 

Sympathetic wishes. What a load of shit.

**Author's Note:**

> I'll try to update when I'm ready with how the story goes, well yeah.


End file.
